We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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