We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Randomize
