Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize