She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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