meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
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