If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
