Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
