How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Randomize
