Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Randomize
