My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Randomize
