I heard we made out
This is evicking siegelnvs
Im sorry?
This is fucking ridiculous*
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Randomize
