Quick, to the slutcave!
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Vodka?
Forever.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize