And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
