woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
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