dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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