Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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