Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize