This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
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