Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
vagina is talking i cant
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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