why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
we made out on top of his cat.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
