I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Actions speak louder than pants.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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