I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
