yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
