im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
