Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Randomize
