I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
