I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Randomize
