Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
