Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Randomize