just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
