You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Randomize
