I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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