I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
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