I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
