i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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