Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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