Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
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