they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
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