bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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