It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
