she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
