I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
