i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
