I hate all girls vehemently.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
you are never too drunk for berry picking
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
