Please, let me fuck your mom
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
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