woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Why can't burritos get me drunk
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
