Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize