You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
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