I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
