Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize