I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
