The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Randomize