The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
So gin and wine won't be happening again
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
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