angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
