its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize