At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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