just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
So... he formspringed me a link to every nude pic ive taken since he 8th grade. ive evolved nicely. but im nervous as to how this a website.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
