tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
